Nov. 26, 2020

Friendsgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it. Here we do friendsgiving, instead of being with family. Just the same people I usually like around and one of the people who came over for Halloween too, so a small gathering. The food was good. I wish I had offered to help in some way, but I hadn't left my room for a couple of days and was kind of out of it. I do like cooking though. Someone commented on how expensive the shirt I'm wearing is. It's BT21/BTS, but I had no idea it was worth so much more now. It's one of my favorite shirts though, so it's not going anywhere any time soon. I just hate that it's white because I sweat a lot lol I get stains around my neck and arms. I'm more used to wearing all black. But that does make me wonder how dirty my clothes really are... yikes.

Last night I had a series of panic attacks, same as the night before, which kept me from falling asleep. I took my medicine, but nothing was helping it. I'm out of weed now, so that doesn't help. I was finally able to sleep and woke up in my bed upside-down. It was too early when I woke up so I tried to go back to sleep and ended up sleeping until nearly 6pm, when I went downstairs for friendsgiving. I don't know why I keep having panic attacks around going to bed. Maybe something to talk to my therapist about... I think I need to call and make an appointment, I don't know that I have one right now.

Having a panic attack while heavily drugged like I am at night isn't ideal... It really fucking sucks, actually. Like being trapped and there's nothing that can be done about it except ride it out and wait for the feeling to pass. Of course everything feels like it's in slow motion then and it passing seems to take forever, too.

I came back upstairs to my room to hopefully get some sleep... I don't feel that tired, but I shouldn't stay up too late. I need to find some way to wind down before bed, so I might be going back downstairs to eat even more or something before I do go to sleep. I already took my medicine though, so the clock is ticking until I start to collapse. I couldn't keep sitting in those chairs though, my back was starting to hurt too badly.

I'm glad I got to spend today with everyone and got to see Glitch's dog Athena. She's a really playful husky. I have to be careful that she doesn't jump on me though since I still have stiches in my gut. They still give me pain sometimes, but mostly only if I poke at them which is a bad habit I have, picking at my skin... it's a disorder, I just don't remember the name of it.

Right now I'm fighting the urge to watch more anime or something before bed. Maybe I will if I can't sleep, but I really should try.

Written by iyazo

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