Dec. 13, 2020

This Weekend

I've had an interesting past couple of days. The other day I dropped acid with my friends and was chillin on the porch. I always expected acid to be like whoaaa far out psychedelic colors, a kaleidoscopic experience, but it was mellow and nothing like that. I don't know if that's because of the medication that I'm on or what. It does surprisingly help a lot with pain so the past 2 days have felt wonderful.

Right now though I feel really cramped up because I slept all day. I woke up to go to church, but as soon as it was over I went right back to sleep. I had meant to play pokemon go because it's community day, which is always special in December, but I just didn't feel like getting up and doing that... I woke up a while ago I think because I was hungry having not eaten all day, but I want to go back to sleep again already. I don't know what tomorrow will be like....

I spoke to my cousin on the phone yesterday. He wanted to call me and apologize for being rude to me on facebook. I had made a post about how I was surprised I have to deal with hot flashes now and will have to go on estrogen and progesterone, how I was upset and angry because as a transgender person that isn't what I wanted at all out of my surgery... I just wanted to not have to worry about periods or testosterone shots anymore. Now it turns out I'll still need the shots if I don't want to be re-feminized. I don't know if I care anymore. I'm always clocked as female no matter what I do- even having facial hair, I've tried it. I just got told they thought I was a girl with an unfortunate hormone problem....which, to be fair, I am sort of... I'm still really upset my doctor didn't tell me this would happen and my family, other than my cousin, were all assuring me it was my fault. He made me feel as if I was stupid for not knowing though, and apologized for that. I do love my family. We're not always close, but I know they really care about me, even if they don't understand what I'm going through.

My ex-bestfriend/high school sweetheart also surprisingly reached out to me. We haven't been close really, since they left me for their (now) wife back in college, but she recently also came out as transgender (I was not surprised at all, having dated her for 3 years a long time ago). She was really supportive of me and asked to join my discord server to keep in touch. I hadn't known that she moved out to California, but she apparently loves it out there. I felt a tinge of jealousy when she told me that. Once upon a time that was supposed to be my happy life too.... but I'm happy for her, really. We talked about how hard it is to date, especially with covid going on. It's hard to meet people. I'm a lot more personable and responsive online than I am in person because of my severe anxiety. I have been wanting to date again though. My relationship with my girlfriend has always been very open because it's hardly like we're together at all... I haven't seen her in over a year and all we've done since she's ace is hold hands once, so she understands if I want to date other people- she has a girlfriend as well who she has been dating for some time now.

I personally still feel lonely a lot of the time... I guess I'll go back to bed now. No reason for me to stay up.

Written by iyazo

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