Jan. 21, 2021

1/21/2021

The past few days Glitch has stayed over at the house. I was happy because we got to spend more time together and watch a few movies and shows and get high and cuddle. It was quite nice. I'm still a bit conflicted about how I feel about being in an actual relationship or if it would even work out between us, but I do really like them a lot. According to them Tony also may be interested in me, but the two of us haven't really spent any time together outside of house fam time. He's attractive, sure, but that's all I really know other than he's 8 years younger than me (and Glitch is 3 years older)- age doesn't really matter to me that much.

I swear I had a dream last night where I was doing escort work again and was having a pretty good time. Glitch had actually said that if I want to get back into it they would help me to set up my profile and make sure I do everything safely. I'll probably end up doing it because the money is really good, but I don't know that I'll get a lot of attention as a transmasculine AFAB nonbinary person.

I've been thinking a lot about my diet lately because I started to gain weight again. Too much sodium in the soups I've been drinking I guess, so I've been retaining water, probably. That or I'm finally gaining muscle weight, but it doesn't really look like it. My butt is a little bigger... That's about it. I don't think there's much I really want to change about my diet because...well.... I can't really do more than I am. I don't have access to a refrigerator, cooking tools, etc. so it's microwave or raw food, but I have to be careful about things not going bad then. I've had dried fruits instead of fresh sometimes, but that gets expensive. Not to mention with my teeth as bad as they are I basically need to cut up anything so I can eat it without risking losing a tooth. I've been eating more sweets than usual too which will be easy to cut back on because I don't even like them that much. I can go without cake and things. My tummy I squishy even when I flex my abs and I Don't Like It. I already have a really harsh self-image... It doesn't help that tonight because I don't really have any food here I decided to use an uber gift card I've held onto for almost an entire year to get sushi. I got salmon (my favorite), a special eel roll which was alright, and a sweet potato roll which wasn't as good as I expected. It was alright, I guess... At least fish is really healthy to eat.

I really need to take better care of myself now that I'm 30. I'm not young anymore... I tried playing DDR today because I got the mat I ordered for it, for a bit of cardio since I can't afford something like Beat Saber. I was pretty bad compared to how I used to be. It will take some work to get back to the level I was at, so today I started off slow doing a few of the songs in one of the games on light mode. I used to be pretty good at this game, but I don't know if I'll get as good as I used to be.

I submitted my weekly review for one of the habitica challenges I'm currently doing- the intermediate meditation challenge. I've been having trouble finding my focus recently to meditate for an entire half hour. Occasionally I get distracted or feel like I need more guidance, but tonight I think I'll sit in the shower and try meditating there. I used to have better luck that way, although it's hard for me to have bathroom time to myself with so many people in the house. Grabbing a quick shower is about all I can do... Hopefully I can get away with it in the middle of the night.

Tomorrow I have to be up and ready early because Michael will be picking me up to bring me to the dentist. I'm not sure if they're going to do fillings or the crown and root canal first, so I don't know how much pain I'll be in, if any. I have a pretty high tolerance, but I've never needed a root canal before. I know my insurance is going to bitch about paying it, I already need to fight them on billing me for my hysterectomy. I'm worried that I'll actually have to come up with the $2000 to pay for it though because it looks like on the paperwork they already tried to submit it through my insurance, but I don't know... I'm not paying it either way because I don't have that kind of money and I don't expect it to ever actually affect me in anyway if I don't pay. Medical bills all they really can do is berate you and if you make under a certain amount, which I certainly do, they can't do shit to make you pay. I hope the same thing doesn't happen with dental bills though because they'll refuse to see me until I pay and I have no idea how much that will cost, so I'm a little worried.

I'm on my last vape for the rest of the month. I'm not allowing myself to spend as much money on weed anymore now that I know even the strongest edibles barely even rock me, so it's just a placebo effect and a huge waste of money I suppose. I tried to go without it all day today, but I do notice when it's fully out of my system- so I guess it does something, just nothing I'd consider worth as much as I've been spending. The vape I have now is called Bliss Cake, it's a mix of Ice Cream Cake (a fav of mine) and Elphaba's Bliss (which I've never had). Lemme take a hit real quick and see.... I love the sudden rush of the THC hitting my body. I get warm all over and it feels like I'm floating for a few seconds. So yeah, it does something at least. It does help me to fall asleep and stop panic attacks. I think I've just been overusing it. I have really poor impulse control when it comes to anything that brings me a sense of joy though because it's such a rare feeling for me to just feel good... I think that's why I spend so much time playing games, too. It's rewarding in a way. I've been playing a bunch of mobile games lately as well as Digimon Hacker's Memory, which I want to play now, but it has gotten late here and I already worry about being able to wake up tomorrow so I better not unless I plan to stay awake for this whole time which I really shouldn't do. Just gotta stop thinking about it and force myself to go to bed, I guess. Ugh...

Written by iyazo

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