Nov. 2, 2021

Dropped Off Dad at Airport, Relapsed On Everything, Terrible Day

6:56 PM

I woke up this morning at around 4 AM, because my dad used the bathroom which was right next to my room. I heard the lights turning on and some flushing, so I woke up. We had scheduled to leave home at 5:30 AM anyway, because his flight was at 7:30 AM, so I knew I was going to wake up early. I checked my email, and then I worked on remaking the Habitica challenges i hosted.

After that, at 5:45 AM or so, we left home, and I dropped him off at the airport. I drove back home, not feeling so lonely and attached as last time I dropped him off. I'm not quite as emotional as I was back then. I didn't feel any feeling of dread or loneliness, but it may still come. I am alone right now as I write this, and I can see how it can get lonesome.

When I got back home, I was turned on. I did "that" for about two hours. Yeah, I lasted two hours this morning. I was so turned on, I couldn't even help it. The reason I lasted two hours was I wasn't planning on "peaking" but it happened by accident, after that, I thought, F it, today is a wasted day, and so I wasted today. Today was a very terrible day in terms of pleasure, because I would do "that" four times in total today. And I also ate a bunch of food in the process, breaking my fast.

I also didn't work today, so I'm just going to sign off 0 hours. I also didn't exercise at all today. What I would do basically, is do "that", eat a bunch, and then watch Warcraft 3 videos. Yes, I spent like 10 hours or more today, just watching Warcraft 3 videos. Then after watching Warcraft 3 videos for a while, if I got turned on again, I would do "that" again, and that ended up happening four times today. Yes, four times. It was supposed to be "No Nut November" but I failed that, after only surviving a day of not doing "that". I am used to doing "that" 3+ times a day though, every day, I have done it so many times last week.

So for the Warcraft 3 videos, I watched replays and commentaries of this guy named CrazyAssassin, he was apparently the Rank #1 player in every category back in the very early days of Warcraft 3 Reign of Chaos. He got Rank #1 in 1vs1, 2vs2, 3vs3, 4vs4, Solo, and Free For All. That's rank #1 in every game category. He was arrogant in his replays, even comparing himself to Michael Jordan, because he made a mistake in a game and he said "even the best make mistakes, Michael Jordan these days misses his dunks too," because these games were recorded in the 2001-2003 era, and maybe Michael Jordan was still playing back then, I don't really follow NBA or him.

Anyway, he was one of the first to get a 1500 win icon, in just a few months after the game came out. That means he won 1500 official ranked games in 1 account. Let me say that in my 15+ years of playing Warcraft 3, I have only gotten a 300 win icon on one account. I mostly played unofficial games which do not count for your record, but I think that is insane. Each game length is about 20 minutes per game let's say, so 3 games an hour (though with the search times and breaks, it's definitely more like 2 games an hour). That means it took him at least 500 hours to get all those wins. Okay 500 hours doesn't seem that much, but I have never gotten the anything more than a 300 win icon, so it is a lot.

CrazyAssassin, though he was Rank #1 in everything, he sucked. Another commenter posted a comment saying "players back then sucked, any decent 60% player today would have never lost a game back then" which is fact, and this comment was posted 11 years ago, and players in the 2021 era are even better than players in the 2010 era. Like for me, my best record in the game for 1 account, for official games, was 36 wins and 6 losses on 2vs2, 6 wins and 0 losses in Solo, and 3 wins and 0 losses in Free For All. That is a 45 wins and 6 losses total in that account, that was my best ever account, and it had an 87% win rate. I should have a screenshot somewhere to prove I had this record, but it was in 2008 or so when I achieved this, so more than a decade ago.

In my own opinion, I would have dominated CrazyAssassin at his best. Even though he was Rank #1 in everything, I would have demolished him. I like watching his videos because they were entertaining. But certainly in my opinion, he was not that good of a player. He was the best in that era for sure, but he only won against other people who were even worse than him. Also as he revealed himself, back in 2002-2003 or so, he was an 18 year old in Oregon, a poor college student, that played Warcraft 3 like 16 hours a day. He didn't say that last part about playing 16 hours a day, but I'm guessing he did that, based on him being able to get a 1500 win icon in just two months.

His videos are certainly entertaining though. He is a whiny crybaby in the games that he loses. There were so many games that he lost where I thought, I would have been able to win very easily even in his circumstance. However, miraculously, there are games he played where I know I would not have won. There's two games in particular I watched, where his base got destroyed early in the game, but somehow he was still able to turn the game around and win. I would not have won either of those games. He made some really lucky, stupid, and risky moves that won those games for him, decisions I would not have made myself. So in those games, he was playing his peak, he was the superior player in those games, I would not have stood a chance against him in that state. For most games though, he was a mediocre player.

He also just faded into oblivion when Warcraft The Frozen Throne came out. No one knows him now. It's similar to CrazyJim, another great of his era, even superior to CrazyAssassin. Here is a quote from CrazyJim describing himself: "Some of you remember me: CrazyJim. I was #1 in Starcraft then Broodwar in 1998 and 1999, quit because of ladder abusers, #1 in Diablo2 hardcore experience necromancer back when corpse explosion was busted, #1 Warcraft3 1v1,2v2,3v3,4v4, first to 1500 wins 200-0 in 3v3."

Very similar achievements to CrazyAssassin. It is likely both of them reached Rank #1, but only temporarily (like maybe a day or two) and they likely kept switching back and forth, and maybe there were even other competitors that reached #1 too. As someone that has also reached #1 in a video game, search up me playing "Granage" here. I played that game for like 16 hours a day, and got accused of botting. But I became rank #1. I quit after the 2nd place player called me a botter, and I was insulted, realized this was such a waste of time because there was no point proving anything to these people, and I quit. I drastically changed my life, though I didn't write about what exactly changed, it's private, and moved to Puerto Rico a month or two later. Anyway, as someone that also reached #1 rank in a game, I realize it's a fleeting thing. It is insanely temporary it's not even funny. I was only Rank #1 for about 2 days, and then I quit after the ranking reset for that season.

Anyway, I wonder where CrazyAssassin is now. I know his real life name because he said his real life name, age, location, in an interview, which was placed in one of the videos I watched. I searched up his name and got a page to a DJ on Facebook. Is he a DJ now? He was also 18 back in 2002-2003, so he's probably around 40 years old now. His era is over though, sad to say that no one has heard of him since. All the websites he was affiliated with are offline now or are throwing errors when I try to visit them. He had a bunch of sponsors and was in some professional gaming teams, he even had a job at just commenting on games, that's what you get for being rank #1 in your era, and all of that is gone now. They say "whatever you post online is there forever", clearly not. CrazyAssassin exists immortally on Urban Dictionary though, where the first answer describes him as sounding like a twelve year old, which he does.

Anyway, today was a disappointing day filled with pleasure. I just get turned on so easily, except at strip clubs. I wrote my post in Spanish about it, but yeah I went to a strip club here a month or two ago and got a bunch of private dances, lap dances, women jumping on me. I didn't tell them to do this, I just sat down at a chair, and they would do that for everyone. And I didn't get turned on at all. None. This has happened for every strip club I went to even in the States, I don't know why that is, I'm just incredibly unattracted to women at a strip club. Well I shouldn't get into my fantasies, but I create a story for every woman I do "that" to, and if I do that, I get turned on instantly. I'm not going into specifics, and this is so open ended the "story" can be anything, so you would never guess what really turns me on, but I apply that story, and it just, wow. I'm on. I can't even control myself. This doesn't work for me at strip clubs though, and yes, I tried giving them stories too. It works for my imagination, it works for women in video or picture. But at a strip club? Naw. Doesn't do anything.

So today has been total garbage for me. One of my worst days ever. I didn't do anything today except partake in pleasure. With each failure though, I just have to start again tomorrow. There is an event I want to go to on Saturday, but I'm not going if I am obese like I am right now. I want to be thin and attractive before I go out and show myself anywhere in public. I am even afraid now of just going outside and walking around in my neighborhood, fearing I will be looked upon as an obese fatso blobbing around the neighborhood. Even though I don't even look that fat, seriously, I posted recent pictures of me here at 200 pounds, and I don't look that fat, but I am fat. I feel fat, I am fat, I am obese. Though it doesn't look that way.

As I wrote before, I missed "her" so much, that I was planning on losing a bunch of weight and looking super attractive, then I would drop off flowers and a gift wrapped Macbook Air ($1000) or something at her workplace. Though the more I think about it and the read the last message she sent me, the more I think I shouldn't do that. She said she never wanted to talk to me again, and regret ever meeting me, so even if I liked her a lot and miss her a lot, there's really nothing I can do in this situation. She has to contact me first if we are ever to talk again, not the other way around. Even though I really want to message her, and see her again, give her a hug and that gift and flowers, and treat her much better than ever before, that's an impossibility.

The date for that was supposed to be yesterday. Yesterday was supposed to be the day where I weighed 190 pounds or so (ideally 180 pounds), and looked much better and hotter. But I didn't reach that goal yesterday, so I had no confidence in going. Maybe that's a good thing, because I realized that maybe I shouldn't do it anymore. I even talked to my Spanish tutor about it this morning, even though my Spanish tutor is way younger than me, they said that was a bad idea because of how things ended and said "why her? does it have to be her? can't you find someone else?" and it's because I just feel so much emotion for her. I can't even help it, but I also can't do anything about it since she also said she doesn't want anything to do with me. I mean I am still here if she really wanted to talk again, but I never got any messages or anything. So there's nothing I can really do now.

Nothing else is really going on in my life. I am working on a book. I have some work. But that's really all. My number one focus right now is just to lose weight, and it's so easy as not eating anything. Yet it's pretty hard too, because I have more than a year's worth of foods at home, including hundreds of dollars of snacks like chips and energy bars and protein bars (everything vegan). So I can literally just open the pantry, and have a bunch of food staring at me in the face. And I can just grab one, and enjoy it. So it's hard for me to fast, even though it's the easiest way to lose weight.

Anyway, that was my day today. I really hate myself sometimes. I fucking. really. dislike myself sometimes. My actions today were not the best. But I hope this journal entry was an insightful and open look into my life and situation.

Written by JustMegawatt

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