I don't know how to keep doing it anymore. I will turn 34 at the end of the month and all I want is to die. There is nothing good left in my life, nothing that I enjoy or look forward to. I spend most of my days fighting the urge to cry uncontrollably and harm myself just to make myself bleed. I spend so much of my time with a fack smile on my face that I'm not even sure what a real smile feels like anymore.
I have no friends, am estranged from most of my family as well as hundreds of miles from any of them, and if I was honest about how I'm feeling my romantic relationship would implode but I can't do that because I would be homeless. I am taken advantage of at work because they know I need the job badly enough that I can't leave or complain.
I don't have anything to make myself want to keep going, before when I would get like this there was always some event, some commitment that I had made that I could go I can't do it till after 'x' is over. I don't have an 'x' anymore. I only have extreme existential dread as my constant companion and no one to talk to or share the burden with.
I'm posting this to the either not to garner simpathy, none of you mean it anyway because you don't know me, can't know me anyway. No I put it out there to try and make it stop bouncing around in my heard doing uncontrollable damage.
It's true that I don't know you, but still please don't think about ending it all. You are only 34, there's a lot more ahead. You are not even halfway there.
It is also good that you are putting this here, and not just letting it damage you.
Keep going, bro. I wish I knew you. You're not alone in the pain. I hope the best for you.
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