Dec. 25, 2020

Christmas Eve and Day

tw: self-harm

I always have to ask myself if something I'm doing is more of a self-sabotage or not. I think keeping a journal keeps me more sane, so I'll use this until I find an alternative I actually like. I wish I could just write... My poor hands... I did find my compression gloves the other day, so I at least have that if my arthritis sets in too badly.

Yesterday all I did was work out and Bible study, really. I did more yoga which felt more like a workout and I accidentally ended up missing the zoom meeting time for Mass, so I ended up watching the recording online before I went to bed, and read some of the Bible there. I'm basically just learning about it. I started a reading plan on an app to read through the entire Bible in a year. I wonder how far behind I'm going to fall already, because I know how I am...

Today is Christmas and I should do something special, but the things bothering me don't seem to come to a screeching halt like the rest of the world on these days. I feel full of worry. I have medications that need to be refilled and picked up. I feel like there's so much I could or should be doing that when I get to something like Christmas which is meant to be a day of rest I can't help but try to find ways to keep myself as busy as possible. If I don't, I end up with the worry and depression.

I've been fighting depression for some time now and it has been getting bad again. I just want to make it through Christmas, through New Year's and past my 30th birthday without any incident. I don't want to go back to the hospital right now... I don't have any of my tools I used to self harm with, or at least I have no idea where they are, so I guess I'm at least a lower risk than if I did have them. At the same time I know that if my depression stays bad like this there is nothing I wouldn't do...

I thought about going through all of my clothing today and sorting through what I want to get rid of. Not even to sell, just get rid of all of it. It's too much of a burden on me that I can't even do more than think about it due to my executive dysfunction which leaves me paralyzed, not knowing where to start. Today I really should just relax and take time for myself and spend some time downstairs with the fam... but I'm scared of that too in some ways.

The other day I feel like I had an actual productive session with my therapist. She's more of a listener and doesn't say much, where my pervious therapist would talk over me and suggest different unhelpful things (I know she was just trying to help...). So I think from now on I'm going to continue to make little notes along my week that can be talking points for in therapy. I wonder if these notes will also improve my memory, which apparently is worsened by even having depression, anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD (and of course I have all of them).

Lately I've been spending a lot of time playing different games on my phone. It takes up a lot of time and in unproductive, but it makes me somewhat happier. So maybe that's what I should focus on today is just doing that if I want to relax- just chill and play video games all day...

It's still early, so I might edit this later...

Written by iyazo

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