Jan. 16, 2021

Interest

I spent a lot of today anxiously passing the time, flitting from one activity to the next, trying not to focus too hard on anything. I don't know how to feel about yesterday now. Now that I think about it, I haven't been in a real relationship for several years. Almost a decade. I'm not sure I'm ready to just let someone into my life like that. I wasn't even comfortable with someone who knew me very well getting close to me like that. I don't know how I feel about dating, or even just platonic cuddling. I mean I guess that's ok at least, but I don't want her to think I'm leading her on or anything because I have sex related traumas and...haven't really had a healthy relationship with it in my life. I've used it to self harm and I can not relapse back into that again like I did last February when I accidentally fell for someone who didn't want a relationship. Now I feel like I'm in that same position. I'm well liked. I don't want to screw up my living arrangements if something went wrong, because I have bordering personality disorder, and it would not surprise me if I was autistic, so I have a really hard time communicating. I feel like I'd be a doormat in the relationship and just let everything happen even if I'm not fine with it because that's what I always fucking do... At the same time I like that they're someone who has a lot to potentially teach me and they're more socially outgoing than I am. There are pros and cons. I just don't want to end up hurt or homeless again because I do something stupid. I'm also struggling a lot depression and my self esteem lately. I'm not really sure what I want or what I should do. We've agreed to just hang out more for now so there's no real pressure for me to decide, but they're clearly very interested in me. They even sent me a sexy photo of herself before leaving for work.

It doesn't help that a lot of my issues are starting to stem from me having feelings about detransitioning. I'm sick of men being constantly shit on by the people I surround myself with who say all men are terrible and shit like that... and I know they don't really mean me, but it still isn't great for my self esteem. I don't like the idea of dating cis men who only see me as a female body, but that's all I've ever had in the past so I also feel forced into that role. Though, somewhat related, most people also apparently view me as a dom and I have no idea why. I have a small build, quiet voice, glasses, I'm not a very commanding person I don't think... I don't get it. But apparently I have big dom in a little body energy that draws people to me. I actually made a poll for it here. There's another one with more answers, but it's on my twitter. The answers on that one right now all say smol dom so far. I don't get it someone please explain to me how I have dom energy lmaooo (wow imagine if I had confidence, I would just fuckin SLAY ALL DAY)

Anyway, there's still the fact that... I'm kind of interested in Brett already, too... but they flaked on me last weekend on my birthday and I haven't heard from them since. I should probably message them because maybe they just feel awkward now because that happened... I don't really mind it, I just want to spend time with them again. I already know I'm not good enough for them though... I think I'm actually feeling more lonely since cuddling last night. Oof. You never realize how fucking touch starved you are until you have a little bit of it and it isn't enough...

Written by iyazo

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