Oct. 2, 2021

Still with the Anxiety and Depression

I'm jittery right now. It's hard to explain what it feels like, but it's almost this vibration in my chest. It keeps me on edge. I don't know what's causing it--it's just always there. It's stressful. And I'm almost out of anxiety pills. They only help a little bit. They calm the vibration some so that I can ignore it. So I can relax enough to sleep because it makes all of my muscles tense so I can't just... relax. At all. It's just always on the periphery of my brain, causing me to be tense whether I'm actively thinking about it or not.

I do have some other anxiety pills, but I stopped taking those because they literally knocked me out for days. Even taking half of one before going to bed will knock me out the entire next day no matter how much sleep I get. Considering how exhausted I am all day as it is... I mean, I can no longer make it through a day without at least one 2-hour nap. It doesn't matter if I get 4 hours or 10 hours of sleep or what time I get up. By noon, I HAVE to take a nap. I can't physically stay awake any longer at that point. If I don't crawl into bed, I'll fall asleep in my chair like I'm 90 years old.

The depression isn't getting any better either. Which worries me. Every new med I try seems to work for a bit and then... two or three months in BAM, the depression returns. Which means trying something else or upping the dosage. If my body acclimates that quickly then I'll be switching meds every few months because I'll run out of dosages within months.

I was on lithium for a bit. I went from a 300mg dose to 1200mg in just a few months. She said I could go higher but since it wasn't working that well anyway, we tried something else instead. If one of the main treatments for bipolar has no effect on me, what hope do I have? This one seemed to really help. I suddenly had more energy and was getting some rest. I was up before the sun most days. I'm still getting up early instead of sleeping until noon like before, but I only get about 4 good hours to get stuff done then the rest of the day I'm exhausted and depressed and anxious. It just gets to be overwhelming after a while.

I can't focus on anything because of the anxiety and depression. I can't read because that takes be ainpower to comprehend and decipher words. I don't have that kind of energy anymore. I can barely even watch TV. I just lose interest after a few minutes. But I can't do anything else. I end up spending my days just blindly scrolling through Facebook and Tumblr, never reading anything that's more than a few lines long because that's too much for me. I miss reading my webcomics, but I have a hard time with the longer ones because it's too much new information.

And, of course, I can't really write anymore. As a writer, it's devastating really. I have these urges to write, but when I sit down, the words never come because my brain immediately overloads from the stress and exhaustion.

I'm not even sure this entry makes any sense because my thoughts bounce around so much and are so jumbled most of the time.

12 days until my next appointment. I don't have enough pills to last that long. I don't know what I'm going to do when they run out. I'm going to see if she'll prescribe them as 2 a day as needed because I could really use one in the morning and one before bed, but I don't have enough. I've only been taking them before bed to help me sleep, but this jitteriness all day is wearing really thin.

Written by justanotherjen

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Posted On Oct 08, 2021

big hug

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